Atriad Press (Non-Fiction books about Texas) are no longer following me. Was it something I said?

Non-Fiction Books About Texas

 I discovered today that I have a new follower on Twitter! Exciting news, I know. They are Atriad Press, a publishing company that print Non-Fiction books about Texas! Brilliant, right? I can see why they're interested in me. I may just have to pitch to them my idea for a book; "How To Fuck Your Sister, Escaping From The Police In A Winnebago, General Racism And Other Popular American Pastimes In The Deep South." Think they'll like it? Me too...
 When you enter their website you are greeted by a video of a rather chunky gentleman sporting a cowboy hat who starts talking about a hamster he had when he was 6 that his good 'ol dad then left outside to freeze to death. Then he introduces Atriad Press' latest release on how to deal with coming face to face with the ghosts of your dead pets. I've already purchases 8 copies!! That's my Christmas presents sorted for this year, and it should also help with the distress I'm going through every night when my ex-goldfish Speedy keeps drifting through the walls. Phew.

Oh bugger... facebook's changed again.

Since it's a Sunday night and as I've gone all Arthur Dent recently and started refusing to get out of my dressing gown, I've spent my evening in a lowly lit room sat on facebook. Yes, I'm cool. As you may have noticed, facebook has changed again. So we can shortly expect a rush of status changes complaining about how it's changed and that it should change back, which personally I find more annoying than the initial change itself. It seems that the main changes this time are enhancing it's stalker capabilities. Instead of wading aimlessly through their profile to discover every mundane aspect of your friends existence, you now get it thrown at your face as you click on their profile! Wonderful! One such unwanted piece of information you can attain is what languages people speak. unfortunately Traditional Yorkshire Dialect and Elvish aren't there. However, Surrealism and Klingon are! Once again, Wonderful! I was also unhappy to see that you can now tell everyone about what sports you're interested in. As for me, I believe that everyone who likes any form of sport should be crucified on a rugby post until they come to their senses and realise that there is very little entertainment value in watching uneducated fuckwits kicking a ball and shouting at each other.... and the ball. This bitterness may just be because I was always picked last in the playground football matches at school. Or it could be that I'm right and Sport is pointless. you decide. Anyway, rant over. I'm now going to leer at the ice and snow outside until it melts away and I can safely walk down the street without resembling a penguin. Night!

Don't call me Shirley!

    So on Sunday we lost a truly great and funny man. I am of course referring to Leslie Nielsen. Star of Airplane! and The Naked Gun Trilogy. I remember watching those films a kid and just wishing that I could one day grow up to be as funny as him. Fair enough he did also star in some fairly dreadful films (Scary Movie 4, Superhero Movie,) but then again what actor hasn't had their share of flops? As for me he has immortalised himself in the world of comedy acting as Lt Frank Drebin, and I shall be spending tonight rooting through my DVD collection and digging out my Naked Gun box set and weeping over the loss of a funny funny man as I'm actually a big softy inside. Having said to many people over the past 2 days "Leslie Nielsen died!" and their response is always "I know!!!" followed by sticking out their lower lip in a upset puppy dog way. He shall be missed. Leslie Nielsen, keep on living... and don't call me Shirley!
     In other news my dad just entered the room, gave me a pair of his gloves and came out with "I'll let you have them for a quid since they're second hand!" followed by a cocky self laugh. I could actually feel the god's of humour cringe.

The Church of Craggle Waggle

     Just when I'd finished celebrating the death of Big Brother, our televisions are now plagued with the return of I'm a "Celebrity". You may notice the inverted comma's there. I'm not going to explain why I've done this as I believe it to be fairly obvious. After looking at this years contestants I can honestly say that I only know who two of them are and I thought one of them was dead. So back I go into my reality television free bunker. I have enough tin foods, Dr Who DVDs and a modest amount of pornography to keep me going until this all blows over and Ant and Dec are no longer grinning at me blankly on my television.    Anyway, enough of that. A few years ago I signed up to Twitter just like all the other mindless sheep drones did, but as i didn't particularly understand it I stopped using it after roughly 3 minutes.  I recently logged in to find that 66% of my "followers" (2 people) are spammers *sighs*. Also, doesn't the fact that they are called "followers" make it seem like you've some how formed a religion around yourself. It's all very creepy. But anyway, if you would like to join the religion of Craggle Waggle then "follow" me on our church's website! http://twitter.com/#!/CraggleWaggle. And if you'd like to make a cash donations to the church of Craggle Waggle then I would love that as the church itself is currently an upturned box in the middle of my bedroom. I'm hoping to soon add a spire.
   And now, before you start worshipping the Church of Craggle Waggle. Some interesting facts about your messiah:

1. When I was little I used to believe it was necessary to take a bite out of the bar of soap once a month. The most peculiar thing about this is that no one ever told me I had to.
2. I own 2 sonic screwdrivers
3. When I was in play school, while playing ring a ring a roses, when it got the the point in the song where it goes "we all fall down" I slipped on my socks and split my chin open.
4. As I write this I am wearing a Lord of the Rings dressing gown!
5. I really do hate HP Sauce
6. While drunk at a party one night, me and some friends decided to marry our mate India to an inanimate wooden bear. This led to me getting ordained to the Church of Spiritual Humanism. http://www.spiritualhumanism.org/
7. I've met Howard from the Halifax adverts.
8. Extreme Ironing is my choice of sport.
9. Other than that I believe that all sports should be eradicated. (mainly because I was never good at them in school)
10. I can think of more interesting facts about Coolio than i can of myself.
11. In 2008. Coolio hosted his own online cooking show titled "Cooking With Coolio"
12. Coolio voiced the character of Kwanza-bot in Futurama
13. Coolio once sang a duet with Country and Western star, Kenny Rogers
14. Coolio is roughly 98.6% more interesting than me

The general public are out there!!

So, apparently according to a recent survey the average duration of sex is 2 minutes! 2 minutes!? That's mad, and since that's an average it means that some people said less than 2 minutes. Now, what I want to know is who the ruddy hell did the ask? Perhaps they just wandered into every Games Workshop and Star Trek convention across the country. Interviewing awkward virgins sporting Spock ears who can say that the height of their sexual experience is rubbing one out while laying back and thinking of Aragorn. There is only one lord of their ring, and unfortunately it's Captain Jean-Luc Picard, who incidentally I would love to have narrate my life. i mean, c'mon. How epic is that man's voice? it's unreal!
Apparently these survey's come from the general public, which answers a lot. The general public can't be trusted to answer survey's to gain reliable information. They're idiots who walk around doing idiotic things in an idiotic manner! You'd get better results doing a survey on sausage rolls at the vegan society. The general public are out there! So stay indoors safe from stupidity. That's what I'll be doing. Sat here safely looking out the window and making cynical comments about what I see. Well, not quite. The curtains are closed and I can't frankly be arsed to open them. Plus you never know what goggle eyed member of the public could be out there.
Oh, and did I mention that I discovered that 2 minutes sex survey thing from a pub quiz? so I guess that's the validity of that out the window. Oh well...